Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

When you “pspspsp” too hard

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.