Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

anyone else like Italian cereal

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.