🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You Might Also Like
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.