🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.