🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.