š¶Itās like 10,000 steps when all you need is a napš¶
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*offers Batman cough drops*
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: thatās a cheese grater
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid thatās annoyed by you
Parents: back in the day, we didnāt go to therapy
Me: it shows
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like āsorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice againā
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Bully: This town isnāt big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. Itās a hat now
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say āfor better or worse.ā
DTF (Down time finally)
-momās everywhere
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and Iāve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallonā¦
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Friend: Howās the new job?
Me: Canāt complain
Friend: Whatās with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Canāt complain
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
me, on the phone: haha hail satan whatās up
god: still me you didnāt click over
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. Theyāre indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anywayā¦ Good Morning.
āWhen a girl says āAwww Thanks!ā, it means sheās politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.ā
Thatās it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, Iām going to say āno, Iām just sleeping aroundā.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, whatās the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Me: Thatās the murder house on the street.
Friend: Thatās your house.
Me: Yea
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90ās. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didnāt have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said āoh cool it worksā gave it back & walked away
āYou think Iām smart, right?ā
Not tonight baby, Iām too tired to fight.
Annnd thatās how the fight started.