Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

peep davidson

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?