🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
me opening up to someone
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?