Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Bring back the McRib

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

Pizza is an emotion right?

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

Denise please return my vape pen

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]