Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Who called it baking and not making love

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda