Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Jesus Christ lmao

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting