🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.