🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.