Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

this is the most humiliating day of my life

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.