Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.