🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
What personal space?
My dog
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of