Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

giddy up Office Depot

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Herpes is trending, good job people

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.