Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.