Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1543380788900556800/pu/vid/406x720/YPJLB-jXFAA9FuPF.mp4?tag=12

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Natty or not?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Happy Caturday!