Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money