Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharon I have some bad news

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

very niche meme I made

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.