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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”