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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.