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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Meow?
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
vegan witches, happy halloween!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body