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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I wanna be friends with this person
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.