You Might Also Like
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?