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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house