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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one