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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!