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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown