Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school