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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.