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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.