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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
me watching my own Instagram story
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.