🐟✨ #re4
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Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*