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When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me Iâd panic and chisel in âSPONGâ or something
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
iâve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think iâm better than everyone
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars⌠My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: Iâm now an alcoholic race horse.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Those are good neighbors.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Once upon a time, Iâd leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, itâs probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Dog: Why donât you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I donât want you to get fat.
Dog: ⌠You must really hate yourself.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why âyou were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperorâs new Groove but it was kinda good so I didnât fail youâ so thats how im doing
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down