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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I hate my earbuds.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.