Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually