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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didnât you recommend it sooner?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you âhey lets get coffee soon!â and we never get coffee
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I donât like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: Itâs our anniversary.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweepingâ
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: iâm just going through some stuff
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Itâs been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK itâs spam
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, Iâm done.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Try explaining to your kid why youâre taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say âI love this mugâ.
If youâre not happy single you wonât be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Week days: I canât wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: âToastâ
Iâm up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks⊠cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal⊠Iâm over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls⊠these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet⊠#SaturdayMorning
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Doctor: Youâve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: Whatâs this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: Youâve got shingles, too.
â« Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini âȘ
and I just pooooed â«
ok iâll bite.. what is Britain