Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Day 2 of my diet

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Born to be mild.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*