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I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
i choose….tongue
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
next question.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Steam Forums
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone