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Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so