Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”