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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Rude much 😂😂😂
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.