You Might Also Like
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
How I’d get arrested…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?