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To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.