Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?