Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.