🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*