🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Home #decor warning.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.