🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
#damn
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
adding to the discourse
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.