🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.