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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.