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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead