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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.