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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Saw this yesterday lol
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Story of my life…..
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.