🐶😂
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The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
sliding into dms like
This was a bad idea all around
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?