🐶😂
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I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers