🐶😂
You Might Also Like
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention