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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband