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The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.