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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing