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The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
and now we wait
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok