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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Wednesday
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants