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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
B
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?