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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.