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My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today