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knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Don’t talk down to me
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*