👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
This was the best day of my life
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it