👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
can’t talk my ride’s here
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The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons