👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake![]()
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
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BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.