👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Harsh but fair
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.