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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
