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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants