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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
ACED my prostate exam!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
grandpa was shocked
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.