Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

ㅤ

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.