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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
wishing you and yours all the best
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Lmao
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Just as the prophecy foretold
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.