👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.